Magick’s Cucumber – Free Short Story
by: H.A. Caine
Alex jumped up out of bed as an explosion shook the foundation of the house, the sound echoing through the hall. Rushing from the room, he rounded the corner and stopped dead in his tracks as a high-pitched wail broke the silence that followed the blast.
Making himself move once again, he made his way towards the sound of crying, and found himself in their now-blackened kitchen, soot covering the counters and the stove, dust still floating in the air.
And in the middle of it, an adorably plump baby boy sat on the floor in nothing more than a diaper, wiping uselessly at the black soot on his face, frustration evident in his every move.
Utterly confused, Alex went to the unknown baby and lifted him into his arms. Grabbing a washrag from the counter, he used the clean side to wipe at the chubby face as he looked around the kitchen for his lover.
“Babe? Where you at?” He looked around the room again, slowly this time. “And what the hell did you do to our kitchen?” he yelled, and then cursed when the baby gave another ear-piercing wail.
Bouncing up and down, trying to quiet the child, Alex glared at it. “Who the
hells are you, anyway?”
The baby swatted at his face, giggling. Sighing, Alex moved the baby to his hip and used the rag in his hand to wipe ineffectively at the mess darkening the stove.
“Babe! Where are you?” He turned on the faucet in the sink, rinsing the rag. Again, the baby swatted him in the face with his small fist, giggling.
He couldn’t help but smile at the sound. No matter how much his fool of a partner enjoyed playing around with magick and doing spells, Alex believed the only thing truly magical in the world was children. Everything about them was so damn perfect. Their laughter at the most ridiculous things, their ability to accept and love any and everything, no matter how different from them, and the endless joy they had for life.
A damp fist splatted against his cheek. He glanced at the small bundle in his arm, smiling. After a second his smile disappeared and he caught the little fist as it was making a go for a fourth punch.
Near the corner of the boy’s right eye was a tiny scar. A very familiar scar.
He held the baby at arm length and stared.
Hair? Well, it was hard to tell, but he thought it was black.
He jerked the baby closer, their noses almost touching as he stared into blue eyes.
“Jared?” A small pink tongue stuck out in answer and spit blew all over the lower half of his face before the baby – well, the baby that his partner seemed to have turned himself into — laughed uncontrollably, his little face turning red.
Groaning, Alex plopped the boy on the counter, holding him in place when he started to wiggle towards the sink. “What the heck did you do?”
Looking at him, Jared popped his thumb in his mouth, his face a blank mask of innocent ignorance. Just as Alex was starting to doubt that the boy was Jared, he grinned up at Alex and tried to crawl towards the still sullied stove.
Alex debated the smartness of letting what appeared to be an eight-month-old baby next to a recently destroyed stove. Then again, if he had any chance of restoring Jared to his former self, he’d better hope that despite Jared’s current appearance, he’d retained some part of his twenty-six year old mind.
Sighing, he walked alongside of the counter, making sure Jared didn’t slip and fall. Once they got to the stove, his partner reached for a blackened pot; and only succeeded in knocking it over and spilling its contents as the lid fell off.
“Jesus, God Almighty! What in the name of … oh, man, that stinks.”
Apparently Jared agreed with his assessment, if the little button nose scrunching up in disgust was anything to go by. Tentatively, Alex reached out and straightened the pot, returning the lid to its rightful place.
Glaring at Jared, whose little palms were squishing his pink cheeks together in an attempt to block the smell, Alex tried to wipe up the mess, gagging at the slimy feel of the liquid through the rag. All he succeeded in doing was spreading the mess.
“Oh, I swear Jared, when you’re six feet tall again, you better run as fast as you can, ’cause I am kicking your ass!” he grumbled.
The baby looked up at him, his hands falling away from his face, before crawling towards him. Fisting his little hands in the material of Alex’s shirt, Jared used the handholds to pull himself up, wobbling precariously on his stubby legs. Slipping, he fell back on his butt with a small grunt, and kicked out at Alex.
Laughing quietly, Alex lifted him up and placed him back on the floor, making sure he was okay, before turning his attention back to the mess at hand.
Staring at the stove, Alex tried to think of a suitable way to clean up the slime without actually having to touch it. Disgruntled, he picked up the sullied rag to get to work, when a disgustingly wet noise sounded behind him.
His eyes widening, he turned back to face Jared. His mouth falling open as Jared continued to make pooping sounds, his own mouth agape in baby shock, before he started to cry loud, ear shattering shrieks.
“Oh, this cannot be happening,” Alex whispered as he moved to where Jared sat on the floor and lifted him back into his arms. Turning him in his arms, he cautiously lifted his pampered butt to his nose and took a small sniff before quickly flipping him back around and holding him out at arm’s length.
“You’re shitting me!” The baby stopped crying and stared at him before reaching out his short arms towards Alex and crying alligator tears again.
Huffing out his breath, Alex made his way to their bedroom, grumbling under his breath. “No, no you’re not shitting me, you’re shitting yourself. That’s just great. I’ve never changed a diaper in my life and the first one I have to change is my twenty-six-year-old-boyfriend. Just freaking great.”
He deposited Jared on the bed before remembering he needed something to clean him with. Picking him back up, he walked into the bathroom and grabbed a handful of washcloths. Wetting two of them, he took his now sniffling bundle back to the bed and removed his diaper.
“Where did that even come from?” he questioned, placing the diaper out of arm’s reach as Jared made a grab for it.
Putting one of the dry cloths beneath his tiny butt, he held his breath and wiped him down as quickly as he could, trying his absolute best not to look at what he was doing.
“You are so going to pay for this, I swear,” he mumbled.
Rringggg. Rringggg. Rringggg.
Slowly, Alex lifted his head and looked at the phone resting in the holder on the bedside table before looking back at what he was doing. Grabbing Jared by his legs, Alex turned him on the bed, positioning him closer to the bedside table. He walked around the corner of the bed and reached for the shrilling phone, glancing at the display screen: 555-2396.
“Maybe I didn’t wake up. Maybe I’m still dreaming.” He couldn’t help it, he started laughing hysterically. It was just too much.
Jared looked at him, his head tilting as he made baby sounds.
“It’s your mother.” At that, Jared’s ‘talking’ grew louder and his hands flapped up and down urgently. He didn’t have to speak baby talk to know what Jared wanted. It was obvious that he didn’t want Alex to tell his mom what had happened. And with good reason, too.
The last time Jared had screwed a spell this badly, his mother had bespelled a broom to spank him whenever he tried to use magick. It had been fun at first to watch his boyfriend running around the house, hollering while trying to avoid getting hit. It wasn’t funny though, when he found himself trying to explain why a broom was following them around in public, or how it could move when neither of them was touching it.
Eventually, Stella linked the broom to Jared’s magick, and the broom would wait at home for them and deal with Jared then. It lasted a month before Alex finally convinced her to let up.
Suffice it to say, that was the last time Jared gave his little brother a second head for stealing the last piece of Cinnamon Cream Pie at the dinner table. It was also the last time Stella made extra dessert when she invited them over for a meal.
Calming himself, Alex clicked the talk button and brought it to his ear. “Hi, Stella.”
“Alex, sweetheart! How are you? I’m great, so are the littles. I need to talk to my baby. Is he there? I called the school but they said he took the week off. Whatever for? Anyway, that’s not why I’m calling. His Uncle Garreld is coming in from Hawaii for a few weeks. Can he stay with you guys? I knew it wouldn’t be a problem. I told Garreld that, but nooo, he insisted that I call first. Well, I’ll tell him that you said it’s absolutely fine and you would love to have him. Give Jared a kiss for me. What am I saying? Of course you’ll give him a kiss, and it won’t be for me. Hahaha. Anywhoo, I have to go. I’m cooking chicken soup. Sarah’s sick! I’ll see you tomorrow for dinner right? Don’t forget, it’s at six. Love you. Bye!”
It took a moment for Alex to catch up with the rapid-fire words, and by the time he said “Bye”, the dial tone was echoing in his ears.
Looking down at Jared, he opened his mouth to let him know they would have a guest, and ended up sputtering as an arc of pee flew up and over his shoulder. Moving fast, he made a grab for the only dry rag as Jared giggled happily — as if peeing on Alex was the funniest thing in the world.
Reining in his temper, he knew it wouldn’t do any good to yell at Jared when he was like this. Besides, it was his own fault; for all he knew, Jared was as sensitive as a baby while he was a baby, and he had to admit it was a bit cool in the room.
“Crap!” Just what the hell was he supposed to put him in? He didn’t have baby clothes just lying around.
Groaning, he held the rag in place as he lifted the otherwise clean baby and moved around the room, trying to find something, anything, that he could put Jared in for the time being.
With no other options, he grabbed two tank tops from his top dresser drawer and a pair of Speedo’s underwear.
He put Jared down and ignored the look that clearly stated if Jared could talk, he would be calling Alex all kinds of idiot.
Slipping his legs through the neck of the tank top, Alex pulled Jared’s feet through the arm holes and pulled the shirt over his butt before grabbing the rest of the material and pulling it up between his legs to wrap around his left hip, his butt and then tucked it into the backside of the right arm hole. He slipped the underwear on and tied it into a knot on each side to keep it all in place, before slipping the other tank top over Jared’s head and picking him up.
“For such a small body, you sure do stink.” He wrinkled his nose up and Jared smacked him with his little hand.
Letting out a small chuckle at the disgruntled look on Jared’s face, he headed for the kitchen and the pot of mysterious, stank-ass goop. He took a breath, and hoisted Jared higher onto his hip. Turning the baby’s face against his chest, Alex lifted the lid on the pot. He leaned forward, holding his breath while he tried to discern just what it was that made it smell so bad.
Soon, his chest started to ache and he exhaled loudly. Drawing in another deep breath, he tried to keep his mind off of the fact that he could taste the disgusting smell on his tongue. It tasted like when you walked by a garbage dumpster on the street and couldn’t help inhaling. Shaking his head, he moved fast, grabbing a big wooden spoon off of one of the hooks above the counter and moving it through the thick liquid.
In the middle of it all, there was something even thicker.
Gagging, he searched for, and found, the kitchen tongs they used when barbequing. Grabbing the blackened whatever-the-hell-it-was in the bottom of that disgusting pot of dark, smelly goo, Alex lifted it into the air and flung it across the length of the counter, to land with a squishy PLOP in the sink. Luckily, only a few drops of the thick slime landed on the counter and floor.
“So damn disgusting,” he said, covering the pot with a lid again, not that it helped any. The kitchen reeked like week-old trash.
Moving to the sink, he stared down at the foul smelling thing that was sliding down the slight incline of the sink, towards the drain. Curious as to what, exactly, it was, Alex turned on the water before he readjusted a miraculously quiet Jared. He wanted to smile at the adorable sight Jared made as he sucked his thumb. Instead, when Jared lifted his face to him, Alex glared childishly.
“I hope you know that you’re cleaning this mess up. I’ve had enough of foul-smelling things for one day,” he grumbled. Of course, at that Jared started wailing loudly, obviously expressing his displeasure at clean-up duty.
“Hey! I didn’t think I would have to wipe your ass for you for at least another sixty years, but we don’t always get what we want! More than that, I’m not the one who nearly blew up our kitchen!” Alex argued, before realizing how futile it ultimately was. He’d save his argument for later, and if Jared knew what was best for him, he’d suck it up, put on an apron and grab a sponge to start cleaning.
Maybe Alex would even take pity on him, and they could role-play it after the real mess was cleaned up. Naughty Cinderellaman and the Prince.
The thought made him grin and Jared whined louder, obviously thinking Alex was laughing at his predicament. Which he was, just not the way Jared thought.
Sighing he turned back to the sink and the mostly clean … “Is that what I think it is?” He gaped at what appeared to be — he bent down for a closer look — shriveled up cucumber skin?
He picked the tongs back up, and used them to hold the now-green thing under the running water. Turning the water off, he held the tongs up and turned to Jared.
“Tell me it’s not –” he started to say, but stopped as he stared at the still-crying baby. He watched in astonishment as Jared’s head grew three times its current size, until Alex was staring at his lover’s face, and the whining turned into high-pitched talking.
“– can’t do it! You already cleaned up most of it! Why do I have –” Jared stopped talking, his eyes widening. He looked down at himself and Alex adjusted the new weight on his hip. Suddenly, Jared’s ass filled his palm and his penis pushed against Alex’s waist as he grew into himself.
Alex stared at the half-baby, half-man that filled his arms.
Jared looked up at him, eyes revealing that he was a little scared. “What’s happening?!” he screeched, and Alex wished he had his hands free to cover his ears.
A loud pop sounded and Jared wrapped his long legs around his lover’s waist. Soon his arms followed around Alex’s neck and a long torso pushed into his side.
Alex looked down at eyes that were squeezed tightly shut, and then down at a body that was very familiar. A body that he knew better than his own. Then he looked back at Jared’s face and frowned. Releasing Jared’s ass, he ducked his head quickly, and watched as Jared fell to the floor with a satisfying smack that made Alex grin.
“Ow! What the heck was that for?” Jared’s grinned up at Alex. “Hey! My voice is back.”
Alex nodded, enjoying the lyrical quality to Jared’s voice. In the end, it helped to soothe his frazzled nerves. He wouldn’t tell Jared, but Alex hadn’t been all that certain that he would change back. Hell, he didn’t even know why Jared had changed back.
Whatever had happened, he was simply grateful.
Of course, now he had a lover to deal with. Alex looked down at Jared. A soon-to-be-punished lover.
He couldn’t have stopped the smirk that jumped to his face even if he had wanted to.
Hours later, with a clean kitchen and a properly punished boyfriend, Alex couldn’t help the satisfied smirk currently gracing his face. Grinning, he turned and pulled the panting mass of sweaty man into his arms, resting Jared’s head on his chest. For a while, they just laid there, the only sound in the room the rhythmic pattern of their breath.
After a few more minutes of quiet, Alex couldn’t help his curiosity any longer. Rolling Jared back on the bed, he leaned over him, smiling at the disgruntled look aimed at him.
“I was comfortable, you know,” Jared mumbled.
Rubbing soothing circles on Jared’s firm chest, Alex waited until the man was relaxed, his eyes drifting closed. “I was wondering…” he started.
Jared’s eyes snapped back open, staring at him suspiciously. “What?”
Sliding his hand down, Alex played with the small indent on his lover’s stomach, causing said male’s body to shiver slightly. “Just what were you trying to do earlier?” he asked after a moment.
When Jared didn’t answer, Alex lifted his head, confusion washing over him when he spotted the scarlet blush slowly spreading from Jared’s cheeks down his neck and onto his chest.
“Baby?” he questioned. “What were you trying to do?”
“Umm…” Averting his eyes, Jared mumbled his answer too low for Alex to actually hear.
“What was that?” He grinned.
“I umm…saw this thing, you see. On the internet. It was, uh, a –”
“Just spit it out already, Jared.”
“A penis enlargement spell!” he squeaked out.
Outside, people passing by the sun-warmed house stopped and stared as the roars of laughter drifted out to the street.