Monthly Archives: June 2011
“How could you say that?” pain blossomed in his chest, stealing his breath as his boyfriend’s words. EX-BOYFRIEND, he reminded himself, as his now ex-boyfriend’s words reverberated inside his head.
Three years. Three years he spent believing that this was it, no way could life get any better than this. Fool that he was, he didn’t pay much attention to any of the signs. Sure, in the past year things weren’t as great as they had been in the beginning. They didn’t go out as much, at least not together, not as a couple. They barely talked anymore, and when they did Jamie could always count on Ken finding something to complain about. And any time they had sex, it felt as if he was just a common hole, conveniently placed in Ken’s life for when he needed a quick fuck. There was no kisses and soft touches, no gentle caresses that sent tingles spiraling down his spine. Hell, after it was over, Ken usually left the bed, turning on the tv in the living room, mumbling for Jamie to go take a shower and wash the stink of sex off of himself.
He should have seen this coming, but really, he had only wanted to believe that it would all pass and the kind, gentle, considerate man he had fallen in love with would resurface, tell him how much he loved Jamie and that he meant much more to him than a casual partner that could be so easily discarded.
But the truth was that he could very easily be discarded. And Ken hadn’t loved him for a long time, it seemed. It shocked him how much pain he could feel from such simple words.
“Because it’s true. Jesus, Jamie!” Jamie watched as Ken ran his fingers through his hair, grabbing at it roughly. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE, he thought but didn’t give voice to the words. THE ASSHOLE IS ACTUALLY GETTING MAD. What did he have to be pissed about? Jamie was the wounded party in this situation. He wasn’t the one who came home one day and suddenly decided to call it quits.
“You can’t possibly mean this. Not after all the experiences we shared, after all the shit you put me through! You’ve fucked up time and again and I’ve always forgiven you, was always there when you needed me. Even when you screwed that guy last year, I forgave you and stayed by your side. You can’t do this to me!” his voice grew louder with every word he spoke, until he was practically screaming in the small confines of the apartment they had shared for the last two years. He knew his entire body was shaking, but there wasn’t a single thing he could do about it.
There was a single thing he could do about anything, it seemed. Even as he raged, he knew it was useless, and really, he didn’t even know why he was bothering to fight for a relationship that hadn’t even existed for a while, regardless of the fact that up till that moment he had believed otherwise.
“God, you are so damn stupid.” Jamie jerked back, the words like a slap to his face. It didn’t matter that at the moment he agreed with the assessment, it still hurt to hear the cruel words fly so effortlessly from Ken’s mouth, as if he had been waiting to say them for a long time.
“I never slept with that guy. He brought me a drink but that was it. He was too much of a bear, sooo not my type. But I know how you feel about infidelity and saw it as the perfect way out of a dead relationship. Only I didn’t count on you accepting my betrayal. Jesus, I haven’t wanted you for the last year and a half. I just didn’t want to break up with you, knowing how in love with me you are. I had hope anger would block out the pain of losing me. I had hoped you would scream, get angry, tell me to get out, that you never wanted to see my cheating ass again.” Ken’s sigh was put out. The guy sure thought a lot of himself. Jamie couldn’t understand how he hadn’t seen it before. Surely it had been there.
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” ken said and Jamie snorted derisively. “Yeah, right.” he shook his head.
Ken looked at him. “I tried. I tried to do this nicely, but fine. We’ll do it your way.” he took a step forwards, crowding Jamie’s personal space and forcing him to lift his chin to maintain eye contact. The pure malice in the eyes staring back at him succeeded in breaking the last piece of his heart, that had fought throughout the entire conversation couragiously, to stay intact. “At first, I didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted out. Every thing was fine before you asked me to move in. I only said yes because I didn’t know how to get out of it without you ending things and taking away the great sex we were having. And it was great. Why would any sane man give something like that up? So I moved in with you. It was doable for the first couple of months. But seeing your face EVERY SINGLE SECOND, OF EVERY SINGLE DAY quickly became damn annoying. I couldn’t watch a simple tv show without you hovering, asking me if I wanted something, if I was hungry, did dinner taste fine. You’re like a frickin’ care-bear, for God-sakes! Nagging me to wear a scarf when it was cold, to use lotion or my skin will get dry and other annoying crap like that! I would’ve never left home if I wanted a damn mother!” Ken shook his head before continuing. “Your a damn female, Jamie, not a man. That may work for you in the looks department but it’ll never work for you with partners. After a year, I couldn’t do it any more. You were driving me insane. Then the sex went. Maybe it’s because I didn’t like you very much at that point or because you stopped trying to be good in bed. I don’t know. All I know was that just looking at you repulsed me. I’ve spent the last year and a half fantasizing about other man just to get through the act of MAKING LOVE to you.” he laughed bitterly, stepping even closer to Jamie until their chests touched. “Then I realized, if only I would say something, I could actually BE fucking those guys, instead of thinking about doing it.
“I know, I know. I could just cheat on you, but that would still leave me with having to come home to you every night and I can’t have that.” Ken stepped back. “It’s over Jamie. I don’t want to be with you any more.” his voice was nonchalant, face void of emotion. Wetness splattered the front of Jamie’s shirt and he lifted his hand to his face. I’M CRYING, he realized, a bit astonished. Each word out of Ken’s mouth, a mouth that had onced told him he was beautiful and that he loved him, had felt like a knife stabbing his back until he felt drained of blood and was left feeling cold. The fact that he could cry while feeling nothing came as a suprised. He hadn’t known that it was possible, let alone that he was capable of such a feat. MAYBE I’M IN SHOCK, he thought distractedly, unable to concentrate on anything but the emptyness ingulfing him.
He walked to the door, grabbing his jacket from the coat rack that stood beside it. Slipping into it, he checked his pockets, making sure he had his keys and his wallet. Turning back to Ken, he studied him for a few minutes. HOW COULD I BE SO BLIND? WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? WAS EVERYTHING A LIE? DID WE EVER HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP, OR HAD IT ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT SEX FOR HIM? MAYBE I REALLY AM AS STUPID AS HE SAYS I AM? Thoughts swirled in his head, but his mind was unable to focus on them for more than a second at a time.
The only thing he knew was he had to get out of there quickly. He didn’t want to be around Ken when the ice started to melt and he finally began to feel again, and he knew it was only a matter of time before the first crack would appear. It would all be downhill from there.
“I’m going to Sam’s for a few days. A week at the most. When I come back, I want your things to have been cleared out.” Ken said nothing, just stood there, silently watching him. Taking a deep breath, he gathered the strength to give Ken the words he had so desperately wanted to hear for the last year.
“I don’t EVER want to see you again.” No statement from his mouth had ever rung truer.
Turning, he walked out the door, never looking back.